The Great Victorian Football Team

[This article was first published as part of the White Melbourne Newsletter No.281 - Grand Final Eve Edition 2008]

The final line-up

ï¿½Thank you all for coming. Tonight we announce Victoriaï¿½s team for the big day and letï¿½s not keep you in suspense ï¿½ weï¿½ll go straight to putting the names on the blackboard. This is a big ground and the wingmen will have to cover a large territory so on the wings we have chosen ï¿½ Burke and Wills.ï¿½ ï¿½ applause - ï¿½Try not to get distracted by any actresses this year Rob. Speaking about the size of the ground, thank you to those volunteers who helped mark it out at the last minute. Apparently our groundsman, Mr Hoddle, said he couldnï¿½t do curves.

On the half back flanks are C.J.Dennis and A.L.Gordon.ï¿½ ï¿½ applause ï¿½ ï¿½Well done Den. This is the chance for you two lads to prove youï¿½re not all just talk. I would also like to thank the Ladies Auxiliary in their absence for the refreshments tonight. Give the little ladies a hand.ï¿½ ï¿½ applause ï¿½ ï¿½Unfortunately there has been one resignation from the Auxiliary, Miss Vida Goldstein. Apparently she just left a note saying ï¿½I donï¿½t do scones!ï¿½ï¿½

Backline

ï¿½Now to the back pocket. You know that one of the keys to beating the opposition is shutting down their small forwards, so in the back pockets we have chosen ï¿½ Squizzy Taylor and Snowy Cutmore.ï¿½ ï¿½ cheers and occasional boos ï¿½ ï¿½I know you two donï¿½t have many Brownlow votes between you and have had your spats while playing for Fitzroy and Richmond during the years, but you need to put that behind you for this game because youï¿½re on the same side. In fact if you canï¿½t sort out your little differences it will all end in tears. Now if either of you have any little tricks up your sleeve to slow down their small forwards, tomorrow is when we want to see them. Well we donï¿½t actually want to ï¿½seeï¿½ them, but just do what has to be done. Our Number One Ticket Holder, Archbishop Mannix, has said that he can arrange to take individual confessions after the game so it need go no further. He hopes to see you all at mass on Sunday where his homily will be The game that is REALLY played in heavenï¿½ï¿½

Half-forwards

ï¿½Moving on to the half forward flanks. Again two players who have had their differences over time but tomorrow will be united in furthering the honour of Victoria. John Batman and little Johnny Fawkner.ï¿½ ï¿½ applause and occasional boos ï¿½ ï¿½If there is a free kick when the opposition kicks the ball out of bounds I donï¿½t want to see you two squabbling about who got there first. We would also like to thank one of our committee, Mr David Mitchell, who has built the temporary grandstand on the half-forward flank. It looks pretty sturdy to me and I wouldnï¿½t be surprised if it is there for years to come. David must be pleased as Punch because his daughter Helen has been chosen to sing the National Anthem. Well done girly.ï¿½ ï¿½ scattered applause. "It would also be appropriate at this point thank for their honorary work our club solicitor Isaac Isaacs and club doctor Weary Dunlop.

Forwards

ï¿½Now to the forward pockets. As we all know, Aboriginal players always seem to come up with something magical close to goal so we have chosen William Barak. He is quiet and dignified but donï¿½t let that fool you ï¿½ I am sure he will out-think his opposition. For the other pocket we have chosen an ï¿½unknownï¿½ from the country leagues. In fact heï¿½s only played the game once or twice but then it was the same with cricket and our scouts tell us he could play any sport he set his mind to. Ladies and gentleman, Johnny Mullagh.ï¿½ ï¿½ muted applause and animated conversation ï¿½ ï¿½And now would be a good time to thank the young lads operating the outside stalls, George Coles in the pie stall, Sid Myer in the merchandise stall and young Eddie Cole selling the footy records. Well done lads. Maybe one day youï¿½ll own a stall of your own.ï¿½

Followers

ï¿½Moving to the on-ball group. Big Clarke has again put his hand up for the ruck work, and who would want to knock him back. We also thank him for the use of his playing fields and his private train.ï¿½ ï¿½ polite applause ï¿½ ï¿½Sharing the roving are the two best mates ï¿½ Ginger Mick and The Sentimental Bloke ï¿½ better know to us as ï¿½The Kidï¿½ï¿½ ï¿½ shouts and whistles ï¿½ ï¿½Tomorrow Mick will trade his day job of selling bunnies at the Vic Market for selling dummies to the opposition. And if The Kid does himself proud, maybe several generations from now another Victorian footballer will be named in his honour and gallop onto the field to the cheers of all Victorians. We would also like to thank all our wonderful fund-raisers. John Wren continues to find money where nobody else can, and the auction of Norman Lindsayï¿½s painting of last yearï¿½s post-match party raised a record amount. And of course there is no point raising all this money unless it is carefully managed, and we can rest assured knowing that the club coffers are under the watchful eye of our club president, Tommy Bent.ï¿½

The Coach and Sponsors

ï¿½Now there is no point bringing together all these talented individuals unless you have a coach who can earn their respect and meticulously plan the match-day strategy. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you old stoneface himself, John Monash.ï¿½ ï¿½ standing ovation ï¿½ ï¿½And none of this would be possible without our wonderful sponsors. We would like to acknowledge William Ramsay as our minor sponsor and we will continue to use and promote his product.ï¿½ ï¿½ polite applause ï¿½ ï¿½Mac Robertson has again been very generous as our major sponsor. I know there was some nostalgia when we relinquished the Big V, but we have to acknowledge that football is now a business so here is this yearï¿½s guernsey ï¿½ the Victorian Freddo Frogs! We thought it was preferably to the Violet Crumbles.ï¿½

Late change - Buckley to full forward

ï¿½And finally to the place where itï¿½s all won or lost ï¿½ the goal to goal line. Firstly at full forward the big fellah, the old-timer that everyone thought had no chance, but heï¿½s nothing if not a survivor. Ladies and gentlemen, full forward for Victoria is William Buckley.ï¿½ ï¿½ applause ï¿½ ï¿½We feel that the special understanding between Buckley, Barak and Mullagh might just produce something special. Moving to centre-half forward and there has been a late withdrawal. Peter Lalor was desperate to play but in the end did not pass the fitness test, so his place has been taken by Rafaello Carboni who we are assured is a good ordinary player ï¿½ well done Raff.ï¿½ ï¿½ cheers from Carlton supporters ï¿½ ï¿½On to the centre and the engine room ï¿½ another smokey from the country leagues ï¿½ heï¿½s only slightly built but several respected recruiters reckon he can last the distance ï¿½ Jack Riley.ï¿½ ï¿½ polite applause.

ï¿½And now to the final two positions. If Victoria is to close down supply to the opposition forward line we need a centre-half-back who wonï¿½t let the wind through. And if by chance the ball penetrates we need a full-back who can wear his opponent like a glove. Ladies and gentleman I am pleased to announce that playing at half-back as captain of Victoria is Edward Kelly with his brother Dan at full-back,ï¿½ ï¿½ wild cheers and the occasional gunshot ï¿½ ï¿½Ned and Dan could not be with us tonight since they are currently playing in the NSW country league in Jerilderie, but Ned has sent us a long letter of thanks. I canï¿½t read it out because it contains some uncomplimentary reflections on umpires and even reminds the head of the tribunal that one day we will all face a higher tribunal elsewhere. However I have no doubt that Ned will do us proud on the day.ï¿½

ï¿½Ladies and gentleman, I would ask you to charge your glasses, be upstanding and drink to the greater glory of Victoria.ï¿½

ï¿½To the greater glory of Victoria!ï¿½

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"Just read out the Final Line Up to my 85 yr old Dad and he roared with laughter, loved it. He grew up a few houses away from Norman Bradshaw who associated with Freddie Harrison - both bad boys no neighbour went out of their way to meet after dark."